Personal: FineFeathered Fink

Jane's Mum likes me. She bought me a Cockatiel. I named it Langer. Those of you in Ireland will know what that means. But this little blog isn't about my Langer. It's about trouble.

Even since I was a boy I have been familiar with the term Bad Influence. I was often described as such by teachers, parents of other kids, and even by other kids themselves. But I never really paid it any attention. I never considered that it was true. I have never set out to be a bad influence on anybody...or any thing. But I guess I must be because Jane's Mum was here last night and...here's the story:

Just before Christmas Jane's Mum asked if we would mind her cockatiels while they were away for a fortnights holiday. We quickly said yes. It would be fun. I love animals and so does Jane. These two birds were old timers. One of them could whistle songs and even say a few words. But, although he whistled and serenaded us, he never uttered a word during the time he was with us.

I would wake them every morning with "Hello Boys!" And they would whistle a little. During the day I would find myself talking to them as I wandered in and out of the dining room. I thought it would be funny if I could teach Cress, the one who says a word or two, something new. I never thought it would happen, but I had fun repeating some small phrases and see if I could get him to repeat them. Mostly I said "S'up Bitch?" I thought that would be funny when Shirley, Jane's Mum, took their cover off every morning and said "Morning Boys" if Cress could answer "S'up Bitch?" I also tried a couple of other little phrases but I soon stuck with "S'up Bitch".

So now a few months have passed. Shirley bought me a cockatiel as a reward for taking such good care of her birds, Mustard and Cress. All is well and there was peace in the valley....until last night.

Jane and her Mum both go to meditation on Thursday evenings. So there they are, sitting in the kitchen, having a cup of tea. I walk in to say hello. Jane's Mum looks at me and asks, "What did you teach my bird to say while he was here?"

My heart stopped for a minute. Better confess I told myself. "I just thought it would be funny to teach Cress to say "S'up bitch?", I said. "Did he say it?", I asked.

"No", she said, "He said something else".

"What did he say?", I asked.

She gave me the look that I had seen many times in my youth. The Bad Influence look.

"Cress said", she answered, "Suck my dick Shirley".

Tea came bubbling from my nose. I tried to look as innocent as I could. Then I did the only thing I could think of...I pointed my finger at Jane. Jane was too busy laughing to be upset and she was also spitting tea. Shirley saw right through me..but I maintained my innocence. Luckily she has a sense of humour so I am not in too much trouble.